Sunday, April 3, 2011

Happy Mother's Day!

Today is, apparently, the day when you are pampered and spoilt for all the shite you have to put up with as a mother. So how has yours been?

Mine started off early when Gizmo, the deaf cat with a deathwish, escaped from the garden to go bird-bothering in the hedge opposite  house. Our neighbours, who also have a giant ginger moggie, hang up fat balls and bird feeders in the hedge so as not to provide lunch on tap for their cat. Unfortunately, Gizmo has discovered their cunning plan and now spends his life hatching every more devious ways to get over the road and sit in the hedge waiting for some poor unsuspecting sparrow.  The only trouble is that as Gizmo is deaf and, contrary to perceived wisdom about your other senses becoming more acute if you lose the use of one, he is inclined to just saunter across the road regardless of oncoming traffic.  He's used up most of his nine lives already and is, unfortunately, an accident waiting to happen.  Most of my non-working life seems to be devoted to helping Gizmo live another day, not that he appreciates it of course.

Early worshippers at the local non-conformist churches were greeted with the sight of me in my pyjamas poking at a hedge with a big stick.  Gizmo, hidden deep in the hedge, was invisible to their curious eyes. You could almost hear them muttering as they passed, 'there's an Anglican if ever I saw one'.

Gizmo was grounded for the rest of the day, not that he cares of course.

Later on, while I took my shower, I spied through the glass of the shower cubicle, Gizmo checking out the open bathroom window as a possible escape route.  I leapt out of the shower, sopping wet, and hung out of the window naked to retrieve the damned cat. Anyone who owns a white cat will know that they moult like a cheap hooker shedding her knickers.  Any of my neighbours, enjoying a bit of early morning sunshine, would have seen me grappling with my pussy, sporting a very impressive hairy (or should I say, furry) chest.

Downstairs in the kitchen I found my Mother's Day present from The Boy on the table.  Two delicious looking lumps of cheese sat on a wooden board with a cheese knife, a jar of chutney and a card. My son had bought me cheese for Mother's Day.  Now I like cheese and The Boy does like to chose original presents but I was a bit taken aback that he had bought me cheese!  Feeling a little peckish I sliced off the end of one. It was a bit hard.  Putting it to my mouth, I was just about to pop the little morsel in when the boy walked in.

"STTTTTOOOPPPPP" he screamed "It's not real cheese, it's soap" 

Well how's a girl to know? It was, as it turned out, from Lush Cosmetics who, for reasons best known to themselves have made soap that looks like cheese. Fortunately it doesn't smell like cheese.

The Girl played safe with Adele's new album (God that girl can sing!) and a glass heart along with a lovely card signed by all her friends as well as her.

Next stop on my action packed Mother's Day agenda was watching The Boy play rugby.  I discovered their new coach has been banned from the touchline as a result of the now infamous Wootton Bassett Bundle which resulted in both teams being sent off. It seems the RFU took a dim view of him getting an opposing parent in a headlock. Spoilsports!  Obviously, a touchline ban does make coaching rather difficult but he managed admirably from the hedge that lines the pitch - what is it with me and hedges today - while we made sure The Compliance Lady, a formidable woman, wide of arse and wobbly of buttock, in a pair of alarmingly tight leggings, was headed off at the pass and encouraged to support the under 12s.

I left the match early to pick up The Girl who was on a sleepover with a friend. While I waited for her to get up/pack her stuff/find her boots I had an interesting conversation with her friend's father about what happens to you if you stand on an IED. The trouble with military people is that they forget everyone that not all of us are quite so strong of stomach.  Body parts might be an integral part of his life but they aren't in mine, unless of course they are still attached to a body. I don't even know how we got on to the subject.

Back home to change then off to the local pub for lunch. It's not actually in our village but at a brisk 5 minute walk, although it's on the edge of town, we call it our local.  It used to be a place that you went to get your head kicked in but it was closed down for a while and re-opened with a lovely South African couple at the helm.  They've worked so hard to attract the right clientele - well clearly they've managed that admirably as we were there - and turned it from a biker's pub to a nice country pub with sofas and a 'no swearing' policy.  Sadly they don't have a 'NoLoudScotsmenWho'veProbablyHadATeenyBitTooMuchToDrink' policy but you can't have it all ways, can you.

The menu was small but I've always said I'd rather have a small, well-cooked menu than pages of mediocrity. It was lovely. We had roast beef (not too rare in view of the IED conversation earlier) and all the trimmings. The chef has worked in France for the past three years so I was expecting vegetables boiled to within an inch of their little lives but they were crisp and well presented and definitely not out of a tin. For dessert we had individual apple crumbles with cream, except for The Husband who tucked into a delicious brownie, then I was presented with a rose and some handmade chocolates which I grudgingly shared with my lovely family, The Girl who refused to take her headphones off and The Boy, who wound her up mercilessly. Ain't family life grand! Thank god for a decent cappuccino.

Back home, The Husband sat down on the sofa and promptly fell asleep, The Girl retired to her bedroom to sulk and The Boy had the first of several megasations with his girlfriend, each one lasting about an hour.

There was nothing for it but to do the ironing. So how's yours been?


Steve said...

You had me at "would have seen me grappling with my pussy, sporting a very impressive hairy (or should I say, furry) chest..." If that doesn't deserve a big box of chocolates and a meal out a slap-up restaurant then I don't know what does.

Trish @ Mum's Gone to... said...

Your day sounds infinitely more exciting than mine - hanging out of windows clutching your pussy, eating soapy cheese, meal out, presents from your children - I'm envious.

I got a card from my boy who, realising he probably should have got me a present too, rummaged in the pantry and attached a Ripple bar to the envelope. I cooked the dinner then husband had a volleyball match in the evening. I was proper sulky.

Sarah said...

I dream of being pampered and spoilt on Mother's Day too. Never happens. It's even worse for single mums as there's no dad to marshal the forces so you just have to pamper and spoil yourself, if you can be bothered. It's not quite the same...

Wylye Girl said...

Aww, thanks Steve.

Trish, don't be fooled. They all forgot my birthday, well not forgot but just assumed that someone else would do something about it. Trust me, they will NEVER make that mistake again!

Sarah, I know what you mean, having spent 5 years in France as a part-time single mum while The Husband was away. I'm not sure he does that much marshalling to be honest but next year I shall make it my job to see you get spoilt on Mother's Day. Not sure how I'll manage it but I have a year to work it out! :)

Anonymous said...

"Moult like a cheap hooker shedding her knickers." I love it. And a happy belated Mother's Day to you despite your tribulations of the day.

Anonymous said...

Both my girls have now moved away to Cheltenham so it was just my husband and I. That was fun. He bought his mother a bunch of flowers as well as a bit of tobacco for himself, but clearly forgot that I'm the mother of HIS children so I didn't get anything. Your day sounds way more interesting. I got a lovely card from my eldest though and a long phone call from the youngest. Bless.

Wylye Girl said...

mrwriteon, why thank you sir!

Lavenderjack, nice to see you and hope all is well with you. Funny how husbands seem to forget that we are, in fact, the mothers of their offspring

Sarah said...

LOl what a sweet thought. :)

Of course, we haven't actually had Mother's Day here yet as it's sometime in May (which feels all wrong to the Brit mum).

I'm hoping my dearly beloved will chivvy the boys to at least make me a cuppa. Talk about low expectations!!! :)

Curry Queen said...

Hilarious - and the mental images conjured up kept me sniggering for hours. Mrs H also has a deaf cat who is barking mad...perhaps they are related?

Perpetua said...

We were staying with Dear Daughter and her family for the weekend. She gave me a pretty card and a lovely meal, Dear Son rang up for a chat as he's been busy and forgot to get a card and Grandson No 1 generously gave me his horrendous head cold! Atishoo!!!!

About Last Weekend said...

As far as I know it's not Mother's Day in the US (not that I would have any clue as Hubs declares all these Hallmark Holidays and also grumbles that I'm not his mother.) But would be thrilled if I had as much to report as you, eating soap, Gizmo lives another day and serene daughter listening to music, plus sugar. All sounds like heaven!

hausfrau said...

Husband took over the early delivery of Youngest to a Guide day but I had to be pleased with a card and home painted gardening fork before 8am... Spent the day, aided by Eldest, biscuit and cake baking for a bring and buy sale at Guides on Monday (cos Youngest clearly couldn't do it!). Eldest had bought me a flowery mug and made a card. After discussion I had made the Mothering Sunday supper on Saturday so that none of us would have to cook. And there were flowers: tulips brought home by Husband on Saturday in honour of Sunday. It was OK!

Wylye Girl said...

Sarah, I always used to insist that we celebrated both the French and the English one. However, insisting and actually happening are miles apart!

CQ, I have, in fact, met Mrs H's deaf pussy. Gizmo is certainly a bit 'special'!

Wylye Girl said...

Perpetua, that's the wonderful thing about our offspring (and their offspring). We give them our unconditional love and they just give us their germs. Hope you are feeling better now

Jody, Hallmark Holiday! I love that. I must admit it has gone a bit far now with 'days' for just about everyone and everything. I'm not sure if it was heaven - it certainly had aspects of hell to it!

Wylye Girl said...

Hausfrau, nobody bought me flowers and I would have loved some, especially tulips which are my favourite. Must make a note for next year. Yours sounded busy, busy, busy!

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