Sunday, January 23, 2011

Which 5 celebrities would you punch?

I've taken this idea from Very Bored in Catalunya and several other blogs that are circulating at the moment. It originally comes from Kate Takes 5 who organises a weekly 'Listography' meme, although for this week it is being hosted by Metal Mummy. You can read the original here and add you list at the bottom.

The question is, given a good legal team, or possibly immunity from prosecution, which 5 slebs would you like to punch. It could be a bitch slap or a full on sack tap, it doesn't matter, but given the chance, who would it be?

My top 5 would be

The Kardashians:

The who? I hear you shout. Exactly. Who the hell are the bloody Kardashians and why do they have a reality show on the TV. It's called Keeping Up with the Kardashians. But I don't want to.

But I don't want to!

The Kardashians are Kim, Kourtney and Khloe (I kid you not) and step sisters called Kylie, Kendall, Karrot, Koriander and Kumin - OK, OK I made the last ones up.  They are described as being 'celebutantes', which basically means they had a rich daddy and are famous for nothing.... no thing.... not a thing.  They appear on reality shows and slebrags, have perfume ranges and do sweet FA but for some reason, apparently, we wish to follow their every waking move, fart and visit to the toilet. Why, why, why?. Why should we have any interest in these witless dumbshites?  Please tell me.....

Gwyneth Paltrow:

Dear, dear Gwynnie. She called her first child Apple. As celebrity names go it's just plain stupid. It doesn't have the same ring to it as Fifi Trixibelle, Betty Kitten or Peaches Honeyblossom. It shows a complete lack of imagination. Why couldn't she have called her AppleCrumble Cupcakes Martin or something sensible?  She used to follow a macrobiotic diet until she had children but now she's really let herself go and even enjoys the very occasional piece of cheese and white flour.  Whoopee Doo! What a rebel!  But the worst thing she has done is to produce a hideous newletter called Goop (Poop might be a better name, or to be honest, just Shite) because OH MY GOD the world will stop turning on it's axis if we don't have her insightful snippets about how to live your life. It comes out every week and tell us what we should MAKE, DO, GO, GET OR SEE. Of course she doesn't really write it herself but probably leaves it to a bunch of pimply university students on work placements. Her current 'get' is a book on parenting because Gwynnie wants to be 'the best parent I can be'. Like the rest of us don't?  But the worst thing she has done is to try and give us poor plebs advice on how to be working mum - apart from having a multimillion dollar fortune to pay for all the staff we could need of course. The Curry Queen wrote a great post about Gwynnie's work/life balance missive last week. I urge you to read it but keep some tissues close by because you'll cry with laughter.  So, Gwynnie, here's what I think.  MAKE my day, DO us a favour, GET a life, GO boil your head and SEE if anyone cares!
Sod off Gwynnie!
Image courtesy of Wikipedia


Everybody's favourite - or not - tax evading climate evangelist with the carbon footprint of a brontosaurus. Oh god, where do I even start? How about with a lame joke.  What's the difference between God and Bono?  God doesn't think he's Bono.  Is there anyone more annoying in the world of music (well apart from Jedward - is this how the Irish are paying us back for taking the North, if so, you can have it back with Wales as a BOGOF).  Bono is a declension of Bonavox, Latin for good voice. Even his wife calls him Bono. I just call him a**ehole.

I had the misfortune to attend one of his concerts, for which, I hasten to add, I didn't pay for the ticket.  He lectured the crowd for what seemed like hours about global poverty while, at the same time, fleecing them of £75 per ticket.  He criticised the Irish government for not giving enough aid to Africa then at the same time moved his companies to The Netherlands where the tax regime is more favourable so he would have to pay less tax.  I'd love to think that when he told audiences at a concert that every time he claps his hands, another child dies in Africa somebody really did shout 'well stop effing clapping then' but sadly that can be traced back to a Jimmy Carr joke. Paul Theroux denounced him, and my other two favourites, the Jolie-Pitts as 'mythomaniacs, people who wish to convince the world of their worth and he was acccused of 'turning a global movement of justice into an orgy of narcissistic philanthopy. Many Africans believe he has actually made poverty worse. Whatever the truth is, you can't take seriously a man who never takes off his sunglasses, has his wife call him by his nickname and who evades his taxes at a time when Ireland is in terrible trouble, never mind Africa.

What a pair of muppets!
Image courtesy of Wikipedia
 Amy Winehouse:

I mean seriously, I've seen better looking corpses!

I'm not dead..... yet
Image courtesy of Wikipedia

Miranda Kerr:

A bit of a strange one this as most people will probably not have heard of her but she is Orlando Bloom's Australian wife who models for Victoria's Secret. She's the latest of a long series of sleb mums to tell us all how she had her baby 'naturally' - as opposed to unnaturally I suppose - and without pain relief. If you go an have an ingrowing toenail removed you don't brag about how you did it without pain relief yet somehow childbirth is different.  She has been photographed getting her baps out to breastfeed her baby and tell us a la Gisele Bunchen how we must all do it. Personally I think I'm a bit old for it now.  This has spawned the inevitable comments about what a wonderful little sleb mummy she is, putting the drug-sucking rest of us to shame.  Poor Kate Winslet was even compelled to lie about her caesarean saying later "I just said I had a natural birth because I was so completely traumatised by the fact that I hadn't given birth. I felt like a complete failure". Oh shut up! Hadn't given birth? What did she have then, a babyectomy? On second thoughts maybe I'll punch her too!  Rent-a-midwife commented 'mothers who can't manage a drug-free birth shouldn't feel as if they are less of a woman'.  I don't thanks. I just don't get this 'hierarchy of birth'. What does it matter how your baby arrives as long as it's healthy.

Ms Kerr was extensively photographed during her pregnancy with headlines along the lines of 'well you wouldn't even know she's up the duff' but now having given birth to a 9lb 12 baby (Pah! The Boy was 10lb 13), miraculously only a few pounds lighter than she is, she'll probably have a belly that looks like a tiger has mauled it. Hooray, there is a god!

"My birth was better than your birth
nah, nah, nah, nah, naaaaaah"
Image nicked from her website


Anonymous said...

you are so right mel! but I'm sure you could have come up with ten more equally deserving of a slap! that bono bloke needs more than a slap!!!
love maggie

Curry Queen said...

WG - bless you for your kind words about my blog! Funny how I am inspired by irritants! Loved this post - loved the bit about Miranda Kerr-Smug and may well nick this idea for myself as I can think of about 505 celebs I could never tire of slapping. xx

Steve said...

I've been tempted by this meme myself for the last few days and later today I think I'm going to give in. Good choices. Especially Bono. Yep. Definitely Bono. Did I mentioned I agreed with you on Bono. Well, I do. Yep. Bono.

Very Bored in Catalunya said...

Fabulous, fabulous, fabulous. I have tears running down my cheeks. Off to check out the curry queen.

Wylye Girl said...

Maggie, ten? I could have come up with hundreds. The problem was narrowing it down to 5 as requested by the meme. I could happily have included Paris Hilton, Kerry Katona, Cheryl Cole, Jamie Oliver, Gordon Ramsey, Nicole Ritchie, Lynsey Lohan, Katie Price, Alex Reid,Pixie and Peaches Geldof, oh and Bob, anyone that has ever appeared on Big Brother or Celebrity Wife Swap. I really could go on.... and on... and on. Many of them have appeared on other lists so I thought I'd include a frew different ones.

CQ, my pleasure as I am your number one blog stalker... sorry fan. Do your own list, please, please. It will be hilarious! xx

PS in case anyone is concerned for her welfare, CQ and I are old friends :)

Wylye Girl said...

Steve, I think I'm getting the message here!

VB, glad you like my list. I must apologise though as I forgot to link to your post. I've put that right now. Mea Culpa

This Mid 30s Life said...

YES!!! The Kardashians!! What on earth is that about? I mean, seriously.

Do you like Kathy Griffin? She did the BEST stand-up thing about Gwyneth, you must see if it's on You Tube. You'll love it.

Sorry but have to disagree on Miranda Kerr! I didn't feel like she was putting down other mothers in the same way that awful Gisele was. And I really like that photo.... sorry... (head hung in shame). Don't get me wrong, have heard her interviewed and I nearly fell asleep, but I don't think she's disparaging about other mothers.

Just to let you know, this "5 celeb" list is actually part of Kate Take 5's "Listography" so good to link back to her blog. This week she had a few issues so was hosted at Metal Mummy as a one off, there is a link there to all the blogs participating. xx

Wylye Girl said...

M30L, thanks for dropping by. I'll have to look up the Kathy Griffin/Gwyneth thing and see if I can find it. I'm sure Miranda is probably lovely and, of course, it would be completely wrong to punch a new mother but anyone who says 'I had it naturally' gets right up my nose. It's as if a caesarean is then, ergo, unnatural. I had two caesareans, if not, my babies would have died so I have no problem with it but I had to listen to years of 'oh you must have felt so bad'(usually accompanied by a sad look and much sympathetic nodding) and even 'were you too posh to push then?'. I even gave up training as an NCT antenatal teacher because I got sooo fed up with people questioning my validity because I hadn't experienced a contraction. It's probably more about me than Miranda to be fair. And it is a lovely photo so don't hang your head at all. I wasn't aware of the listography thing so I've edited my post to include it. There are some great lists on there! xx

Kate said...

Your entry was highly reccomended and I can see why! Love it. God Bono is such an embarrassment to us Irish - and that's saying something with the standard of the other famous Irish people about. The shame.

This Mid 30s Life said...

Were you asked if you were to posh to push???? OMG!! Incredible. That's so sad you gave up that training because of people questioning you. My sisters' 3 kids were all c-sections, I hate to think anyone made her feel bad about that. I know she wishes she didn't have them but, like you, there was no choice!

I'm an epidural girl myself. Natural is all very well, but you argue that cancer's natural, can't you?

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Yes! Yes punch the Kardashians. I will even hold your coat while you do it. There're about seventeen thousand of them and they all think their shit doesn't stink. And I've only seen their show once by accident (HONEST) and I was left frowning heavily and thinking "What the EFF was the point in that bag of shite?" Plus I don't even get why things like that are billed as "reality" shows when they're about as real as Santa riding a Unicorn.

Wylye Girl said...

HI Kate, thanks for dropping by. Please don't apologise for Bono, I don't hold the entire Irish nation responsible, and after all, we gave the world the Beckhams! I had such fun putting this together and I'll look forward to doing some more lists in the future.

Wylye Girl said...

TM30L, oh yes, indeed I was. It was one of those 'what where you going when Elvis died moments'. I wanted to retort "No, but fortunately for you I'm too posh to push your teeth down your miserable little throat" but it was in the middle of a study day so I had to content with a withering smile! At the same time Michel Odent, a French obstetrician who I admired hugely, announced that he didn't think childless women or women who'd had caesareans should be midwives. I flaming give up! To be honest, the birth is the easy bit, it's what you do with that baby for the rest of it's life that's important.

Wylye Girl said...

Veggie, I think I have a real proper allergy to the Kardashians. They geniunely make me feel ill. Sadly, The Daughter loves their show. I don't know, I breastfed her and made her fresh organic food when she was a baby and this is how she repays me! Where oh where did I go wrong? :)

Sarah said...

I could add a whole bunch of pouting yelling French actrices to your list. The more their fish-slobbers pout, the more I want to punch them into their tonsils. How irrational is that?

I'm with you on the extensive list of other celebs to punch. They are many who deserve a right hook.

Wylye Girl said...

Sarah, ooooh, I hadn't even thought of the Frenchies. I think I'd start with that woman that did, or possibly still does, Star Ac. I used to sit and think hateful things in several languages on the few occasions I saw her!

Anonymous said...

While I agree with most of yours, I take exception to Amy W. because, screwed up addict that she is, she is also an amazing vocalist. And Gwynneth, I can only say I have a secret erotic fetish for Gwynneth that I can't necessarily explain but it causes me to be oblivious to such silliness as 'Apple' and 'Goop.'

John Gray said...

great blog!

Wylye Girl said...

Mr writeon, I totally agree about Amy W and that's exactly why I included here. She is a prodigious singing talent of the sort that lesser vocalist would sell their granny for but she just wastes it all in a fug of drugs and alcohol. That's why I'd like to give her a good slap.... bring her to her senses a bit! As for Gwynneth... are there not some tablets you could take? ;)

Wylye Girl said...

Johm Gray, why thank you Sir. I've just popped over to yours. I ADORE your banner photo. When I have a few minutes later on I'll have a good read of your archives.

Lou said...

I am a lay-dee so I don't punch no one..... alllllthouuuuugh... sorely tempted by Gwinny after that speech, urgh!

Wylye Girl said...

Oh go on Lou, you can make an exception can't you? x

Mac n' Janet said...

Laughed till I cried. God the Kardashians are awful and their stepfather Bruce Jenner is downright creepy. I'm so glad Gwynneth, Bono, Amy Winehouse and the others don't live here in the States. We have enough pretentious pieces of pooh already.

Wylye Girl said...

Hi Mac n'Janet and welcome. One of the Kardashians - I know not which - appears in an advert for holidays in California. Clearly this is reverse psychology and they don't really want us to visit! You can have Gwyneth back any time... really, you can ;) Will visit you soon.

Iota said...

Oh. I quite like Bono. *slinks off quietly*

Trooper Thorn said...

Save Gwyneth, but punch Chris Martin. Hard.

Wylye Girl said...

Trooper, can't I just punch them both?!

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