The question is, given a good legal team, or possibly immunity from prosecution, which 5 slebs would you like to punch. It could be a bitch slap or a full on sack tap, it doesn't matter, but given the chance, who would it be?
My top 5 would be
The Kardashians:
The who? I hear you shout. Exactly. Who the hell are the bloody Kardashians and why do they have a reality show on the TV. It's called Keeping Up with the Kardashians. But I don't want to.
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| But I don't want to! |
The Kardashians are Kim, Kourtney and Khloe (I kid you not) and step sisters called Kylie, Kendall, Karrot, Koriander and Kumin - OK, OK I made the last ones up. They are described as being 'celebutantes', which basically means they had a rich daddy and are famous for nothing.... no thing.... not a thing. They appear on reality shows and slebrags, have perfume ranges and do sweet FA but for some reason, apparently, we wish to follow their every waking move, fart and visit to the toilet. Why, why, why?. Why should we have any interest in these witless dumbshites? Please tell me.....
Gwyneth Paltrow:
Dear, dear Gwynnie. She called her first child Apple. As celebrity names go it's just plain stupid. It doesn't have the same ring to it as Fifi Trixibelle, Betty Kitten or Peaches Honeyblossom. It shows a complete lack of imagination. Why couldn't she have called her AppleCrumble Cupcakes Martin or something sensible? She used to follow a macrobiotic diet until she had children but now she's really let herself go and even enjoys the very occasional piece of cheese and white flour. Whoopee Doo! What a rebel! But the worst thing she has done is to produce a hideous newletter called Goop (Poop might be a better name, or to be honest, just Shite) because OH MY GOD the world will stop turning on it's axis if we don't have her insightful snippets about how to live your life. It comes out every week and tell us what we should MAKE, DO, GO, GET OR SEE. Of course she doesn't really write it herself but probably leaves it to a bunch of pimply university students on work placements. Her current 'get' is a book on parenting because Gwynnie wants to be 'the best parent I can be'. Like the rest of us don't? But the worst thing she has done is to try and give us poor plebs advice on how to be working mum - apart from having a multimillion dollar fortune to pay for all the staff we could need of course. The Curry Queen wrote a great post about Gwynnie's work/life balance missive last week. I urge you to read it but keep some tissues close by because you'll cry with laughter. So, Gwynnie, here's what I think. MAKE my day, DO us a favour, GET a life, GO boil your head and SEE if anyone cares!
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| Sod off Gwynnie! Image courtesy of Wikipedia |
Bono:
Everybody's favourite - or not - tax evading climate evangelist with the carbon footprint of a brontosaurus. Oh god, where do I even start? How about with a lame joke. What's the difference between God and Bono? God doesn't think he's Bono. Is there anyone more annoying in the world of music (well apart from Jedward - is this how the Irish are paying us back for taking the North, if so, you can have it back with Wales as a BOGOF). Bono is a declension of Bonavox, Latin for good voice. Even his wife calls him Bono. I just call him a**ehole.
I had the misfortune to attend one of his concerts, for which, I hasten to add, I didn't pay for the ticket. He lectured the crowd for what seemed like hours about global poverty while, at the same time, fleecing them of £75 per ticket. He criticised the Irish government for not giving enough aid to Africa then at the same time moved his companies to The Netherlands where the tax regime is more favourable so he would have to pay less tax. I'd love to think that when he told audiences at a concert that every time he claps his hands, another child dies in Africa somebody really did shout 'well stop effing clapping then' but sadly that can be traced back to a Jimmy Carr joke. Paul Theroux denounced him, and my other two favourites, the Jolie-Pitts as 'mythomaniacs, people who wish to convince the world of their worth and he was acccused of 'turning a global movement of justice into an orgy of narcissistic philanthopy. Many Africans believe he has actually made poverty worse. Whatever the truth is, you can't take seriously a man who never takes off his sunglasses, has his wife call him by his nickname and who evades his taxes at a time when Ireland is in terrible trouble, never mind Africa.
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| What a pair of muppets! Image courtesy of Wikipedia |
I mean seriously, I've seen better looking corpses!
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| I'm not dead..... yet Image courtesy of Wikipedia |
Miranda Kerr:
A bit of a strange one this as most people will probably not have heard of her but she is Orlando Bloom's Australian wife who models for Victoria's Secret. She's the latest of a long series of sleb mums to tell us all how she had her baby 'naturally' - as opposed to unnaturally I suppose - and without pain relief. If you go an have an ingrowing toenail removed you don't brag about how you did it without pain relief yet somehow childbirth is different. She has been photographed getting her baps out to breastfeed her baby and tell us a la Gisele Bunchen how we must all do it. Personally I think I'm a bit old for it now. This has spawned the inevitable comments about what a wonderful little sleb mummy she is, putting the drug-sucking rest of us to shame. Poor Kate Winslet was even compelled to lie about her caesarean saying later "I just said I had a natural birth because I was so completely traumatised by the fact that I hadn't given birth. I felt like a complete failure". Oh shut up! Hadn't given birth? What did she have then, a babyectomy? On second thoughts maybe I'll punch her too! Rent-a-midwife commented 'mothers who can't manage a drug-free birth shouldn't feel as if they are less of a woman'. I don't thanks. I just don't get this 'hierarchy of birth'. What does it matter how your baby arrives as long as it's healthy.
Ms Kerr was extensively photographed during her pregnancy with headlines along the lines of 'well you wouldn't even know she's up the duff' but now having given birth to a 9lb 12 baby (Pah! The Boy was 10lb 13), miraculously only a few pounds lighter than she is, she'll probably have a belly that looks like a tiger has mauled it. Hooray, there is a god!
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| "My birth was better than your birth nah, nah, nah, nah, naaaaaah" Image nicked from her website |
