I name this child.....

I waited with bated breath (well actually I didn't because, really I'm not that fussed) to see what Bosh and Pecks would call their latest child. As slebrity parents go, the names they chose for their children are only slighty off left field. No Princess Tiiaammii, Dusti Rain, Jermajesty or Sage Moonblood for them. With the others named after a) place of conception - mine would be called London and Not Entirely Sure - b) shakespearean name - though I doubt for a single nanosecond that that is why the name was chosen  - and c) a spanish girl's name... for a boy.

So, based on that I was thinking a) Back Seat of Car/Mattress/Round Tom and Katie's, b) Elbow (from Measure for Measure, keep up now!) or perhaps Goneril, as slebs don't much care if their offspring have the piss taken out of them and c) Jose

But in the end, they eschewed the slebrity penchant for wierd names and just gave their daughter a time. Harper Seven. Say it quickly and it's Half Past Seven. Now for all you people of a North American persuasion, I'm aware that it doesn't work but imagine it said in Pecks flat estuary accent, or Bosh's slightly common Hertfordshire one and it's not a name, it's most definitely a time.

Bosh is said to be delighted with the name chosen by her other slightly oddly named offspring. Apparently it's after a character called 'Harper Finkle' in a Disney show, 'The Wizards of Waverley Place'. Reputedly Pecks has often read these books to himself..... sorry, to his boys, and they've visited to the set.  Bosh is apparently delighted that they've chosen an Old English name - like she knew! Oh well, their favourite show could have been Dumbo.

Seven was Peck's number at Man United and England, where he achieved a modicum of success. Note he didn't call his daughter Harper Twenty Three. Number fixations are apparently very common in people suffering from OCD, as apparently Pecks does.

But you can just imagine the conversations when she's older.  Half Past Seven's first day at school.

Little Boy: Hello, what's your name?

7.30:  Harper Seven

Little Boy: No, what's your name?

30 Minutes Past:  Harper Seven

Little Boy:  I didn't ask you what the time was. I asked you what your name was

Seven Thirty:   It's Harper Seven

Little Boy:  It's not half past seven, it's nine o'clock (obviously these are very bright slebrity  hothoused children). Oh I give up. I'm going to talk to someone else

If it had been another boy would he have called it Joe 90 I wonder? Is their goldfish called Oceans 11? Did they call their dog Kay 9? Does anybody actually care?

What's in a name?

Like the rest of the country I responded with unbridled joy (sort of) at the news that one of our national treasures was expanding. Not the British Library, not Hadrian's Wall and certainly not the Domesday Book. No, I mean those other  national treasures, Starving Spice and Golden Balls.  Yes, Brand Beckham are with child again.  To be honest, it's a miracle to me that someone as undernourished as she is actually managed to conceive, and she's nearly 36 to boot! What hope that must bring to women everywhere.  City high flyers will be turning back their body clocks safe in the knowledge that she has defied the experts who say your ova are dried up and useless well before your 30th birthday.  Victoria, who put the Posh in 'too posh to push' will, no doubt be consulting David's diary to arrange a suitable date for delivery. God it's so much easier than Amazon isn't it? You just give them a time and a date and rock up. There's no waiting around all day or paying extra for a Saturday delivery.

After three boys the Boring  Beckhams are apparently hoping for a girl, or maybe they'll just do what they did before and give their boy a girl's name in another language. After all, who would know? Surely they won't blight the poor child's life by naming it after the place of conception.  'Mattress', 'Back Seat of Car' and 'Quick Shag in Tom and Katie's wet room' just don't do it. But when you've named your first boy after a New York suburb, your second after a Shakespearean suicide victim and your third after a type of holiday favoured by the elderly ... Oh, sorry, it's Cruz, not Cruise.... what could they possibly call a daughter, should they be lucky enough to have one?

Well, that's where I come in you see.   I've found some simply perfect names for the Beckhams to consider and I'm so excited about them that I might just try and track down their PR to make sure they get them. What do you think?

I think there are some real contenders there, don't you?  Thanks to The Girl (or should that be The Guuuuuurrrrlllll) for finding this on YouTube. From here on, please just call me Watermelondrea!