Last week my beloved BlackBerry decided to nuke itself and head off to that great fruit compote in the sky. 'Fantastic', said my friends, 'now you can buy an iPhone'. The only thing is, I don't want one. I'm seriously trying to get through my life without anything beginning with a lowercase 'i' in front of it. I don't want an iPhone, an iPod or an iPad. Call me old fashioned (and you probably will) but I just don't.
I wound up a friend that it was because of Apple's poor record on working conditions, pollution and poisoning it's underpaid workforce, after all, not many companies have actually had to make employees sign a legally binding agreement that they won't commit suicide, but it wasn't. I'm probably no more of an ethical consumer than the next person. But if I was, I wouldn't touch Apple.
To me, the iPhone is a toy that you can make phone calls on, like the adult version of the Fisher Price Chatter Phone.
|It's like the iPhone for babies!|
And while it may have an app for turning on the TV (I have a remote for that), another one to tell me where my friends are (try phoning them) and an HD weather app (I still maintain that the best forecast you can find is just looking out of your window), it also has some of the useless, most pointless apps in the universe.
Rate a Fart - want to rate your farts? This one is for you. No? Me neither
Talking Tom - a cat that copies what you say and pulls faces. Why?
Woohoo - hold down a button and your phone says 'Woohoo'. And? No, that's it. That's all it does.
Poop the World - want to keep a record of places you have crapped around the world? You can with an iPhone. Sorry to be a party pooper but what's the point? Better still, it'll cost you a couple of quid for this pile of crap.
Pull my Finger - pull the finger on the screen and it will emit the sound of a number of pre-installed farts. Hooray. How useful is that? Errr, not very
Kissing Booth - want to rate your kissing skills? Simply put your germ ridden phone up to your mouth and it will tell you how good your kiss is - and cost you a few smackers as well. Perfect for sad, single men who still live at home with their mothers
Head Skin - suffering from male pattern baldness? Never fear, your iPhone is here with the marvellous and clearly scientifically proven (no, really!) Head Skin app. Simply rub your iPhone over your bald pate and it will emit an inaudible frequency which stimulates hair growth. If you are really stupid enough to pay for this then you deserve all the strange looks you will no doubt get and don't forget to keep some money back for screen cleaner
Sexy Girl Talk - probably equally popular with the sort of man who has bought the above two for his iPhone, this marvellous app reads out the letters of the alphabet in a 'sexy and sophisticated' way. A sort of cunnilinguous perhaps?
Hangtime - ever wondered how high can you throw your expensive iPhone? This app will show you. Simply throw your phone as high as you can and it will measure how long it takes to come back down. Costs a few pennies, plus the cost of a new iPhone when you fumble the catch.
UK Payphone - need to find a payphone? Then this app will help you. But hang on, you've got an iPhone. Why do you need a payphone? And will it tell you in advance if it's been vandalised?
Bieber Hair - Always wondered what you'd look like with Justin Bieber's hair? No, me neither. But just in case you have, you can take a photo and put JB's hair on yourself, your dog, your hamster....
I could go on well into the middle of next week with all the pointless, useless and just downright stupid apps that I could get on my iPhone, if I had one. Strangely enough, it's not doing it for me.
So why should I get an iPhone? Educate me......
|What a load of crap!|