Monday, March 19, 2012


Last week my beloved BlackBerry decided to nuke itself and head off to that great fruit compote in the sky. 'Fantastic', said my friends, 'now you can buy an iPhone'.  The only thing is, I don't want one. I'm seriously trying to get through my life without anything beginning with a lowercase 'i' in front of it. I don't want an iPhone, an iPod or an iPad. Call me old fashioned (and you probably will) but I just don't. 

I wound up a friend that it was because of Apple's poor record on working conditions, pollution and poisoning it's underpaid workforce, after all, not many companies have actually had to make employees sign a legally binding agreement that they won't commit suicide, but it wasn't. I'm probably no more of an ethical consumer than the next person. But if I was, I wouldn't touch Apple.

To me, the iPhone is a toy that you can make phone calls on, like the adult version of the Fisher Price Chatter Phone.

It's like the iPhone for babies!
And while it may have an app for turning on the TV (I have a remote for that), another one to tell me where my friends are (try phoning them) and an HD weather app (I still maintain that the best forecast you can find is just looking out of your window), it also has some of the useless, most pointless apps in the universe.

Rate a Fart - want to rate your farts? This one is for you. No? Me neither

Talking Tom - a cat that copies what you say and pulls faces. Why?

Woohoo - hold down a button and your phone says 'Woohoo'.  And? No, that's it. That's all it does.

Poop the World - want to keep a record of places you have crapped around the world? You can with an iPhone. Sorry to be a party pooper but what's the point? Better still, it'll cost you a couple of quid for this pile of crap.

Pull my Finger - pull the finger on the screen and it will emit the sound of a number of pre-installed farts. Hooray. How useful is that? Errr, not very

Kissing Booth - want to rate your kissing skills? Simply put your germ ridden phone up to your mouth and it will tell you how good your kiss is - and cost you a few smackers as well. Perfect for sad, single men who still live at home with their mothers

Head Skin - suffering from male pattern baldness? Never fear, your iPhone is here with the marvellous and clearly scientifically proven (no, really!) Head Skin app. Simply rub your iPhone over your bald pate and it will emit an inaudible frequency which stimulates hair growth. If you are really stupid enough to pay for this then you deserve all the strange looks you will no doubt get and don't forget to keep some money back for screen cleaner

Sexy Girl Talk - probably equally popular with the sort of man who has bought the above two for his iPhone, this marvellous app reads out the letters of the alphabet in a 'sexy and sophisticated' way.  A sort of cunnilinguous perhaps?

Hangtime - ever wondered how high can you throw your expensive iPhone? This app will show you. Simply throw your phone as high as you can and it will measure how long it takes to come back down. Costs a few pennies, plus the cost of a new iPhone when you fumble the catch.

UK Payphone - need to find a payphone? Then this app will help you. But hang on, you've got an iPhone. Why do you need a payphone?  And will it tell you in advance if it's been vandalised?

Bieber Hair - Always wondered what you'd look like with Justin Bieber's hair? No, me neither. But just in case you have, you can take a photo and put JB's hair on yourself, your dog, your hamster....

I could go on well into the middle of next week with all the pointless, useless and just downright stupid apps that I could get on my iPhone, if I had one. Strangely enough, it's not doing it for me.

So why should I get an iPhone? Educate me......

What a load of crap!


Perpetua said...

LOL, Wylye Girl. Son has iPhone, daughter has work Blackberry, I have an ancient mobile which just about manages to have a screen and is totally unsmart. :-)

I did have iPad envy for a short time after playing with daughter-in-law's, until I released we'd have to go wireless at home instead of networked and with our broadband speed that's a no-no. Anyway, would you put more money into the coffers of a company that hasn't paid a share dividend since 1995? No, neither would I.

Wylye Girl said...

Well I didn't know that Perpetua. I know they haven't donated a penny to charity, sponsorship and until recently wouldn't approve any apps that had links to charitable giving. The Boy has also told me that in addition to the 'Don't Top Yourself' contract they've put up suicide nets at the Foxconn factory. Lovely socially responsible company

Perpetua said...

I read the following article on the BBC website today, which says they are about to pay one and spend some of their enormous stockpile of cash.

Steve said...

Poop The World? Must be a guy thing. That actually appeals.

projectforty said...

I have a problem with people who don't delete the 'sent from my iphone/ipad' signature that automatically attaches itself to stuff when you acquire one of these infernal devices. we really don't need to know. do we say 'drove here in my punto?' when we arrive somewhere? or 'cooked by my belling' when we've made dinner? i think not.

Curry Queen said...

WG, you need an iPhone because Blackberries have nasty, slippy little keys that click INCESSANTLY - it's the soundtrack to my life. Both kids have Blackberries and both are dying for their contracts to be up so they can get iPhones. (sent from my ipad2). (sorry!)

the fly in the web said...

You have explained why I don't want these things...

I have a local mobile that makes frog noises instead of letting me contact people....
I despair.

Mother Hen said...

I hear the camera is good but so is mine on my....Blackberry!
What I don't get is the voice commands on these 'smart' phones. By the time you click on the app and it loads, you could actually open your email and see if your mother emailed you her recipe to you or if you bothered looking up while you walked instead of looking down at your phone screen, you could see if your brother had arrived yet.

I love my Blackberry Touch screen.

Wylye Girl said...

Oh Steeeeeve!

Projectforty, you make me snort my coffee!! It's just a pissing contest really. (sent from my old Dell laptop bought second hand on eBay)

CQ, you disappoint me. I may have to prune you from my friendship tree ;-)

Wylye Girl said...

Mother Hen, I'll fess up and say there is actually no point anyone educating me because I now own a shiny new BlackBerry Torch, of which I am rather seriously in love, especially the touch screen

Fly, frog noises? Do you mean it says 'Bof', 'Beh alors' and 'pute de merde'?

hausfrau said...

Husband and I both own my father's cast offs... he owns everything i now. We are all so uncool in this house that our phones are only used for emergencies of the I'm there/2.30/night night variety and rarely for speaking or whatever else they may be able to do.
(Loved the idea of Fly's phone making French noises!)

Sarah said...

I wouldn't get an iPhone either, or anything else by Apple. I knew a guy who was a total Apple freak (a boyfriend) and his worshipping at the alter of Apple convinced me it was not a company I liked.

I also prefer writing to farting about with photos so don't give a stuff about tablets. My internet connection at home is a load of bollocks so it would be pointless anyway.

My phone makes calls and sends texts. It does other stuff too but I never ever use any of it.

Wylye Girl said...

Hausfrau, and there's nothing wrong with that. I use mind for phones, texts, BBM and e-mails, mostly to my children. I don't really need a record of where I have poohed around the world!

Sarah, I've used an iMac and and iPhone and just don't see that they do anything that my laptop/phone don't do anyway. As I touchtype an iPad is useless too.I gather that originally one of the plus points of a Mac was that it didn't get viruses but the I've used Windows with an anti-virus programme since dinosaurs roamed the earth and never had one either. The extra expense of a Mac certainly doesn't add up to the cost of an anti-virus programme.

Mac n' Janet said...

Though we've always had Apple computers we own nothing "i", we're not cool enough. When people tell me, and they do, that they only use the phone 10% of the time, that the rest of the time they're using the APPS on it I know it's not for me.
I love you comparing the i-phone to a chatter phone!

About Last Weekend said...

I just have an ordinary phone and am resistant to the i-phone. We have lods of Apple stuff in our house. The Apple service at the local store is sooo arrogant and the "genius's" so difficult to deal with when something goes wrong. Amazingly though their sales staff are sweet and very accommodating. So the reality is - once they sell their stuff they don't want to see you again.

Post a Comment

It's always nice to have comments but don't forget to play nicely!